School Of Schlock

We're ropin' some evil bloodsuckers out on the range with this Uwe Boll flick! Can the pseudo-vampire Rayne deal with an Old West town that's slowly being tranformed into vampires? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about shaky cameras, piles of tropes, and the importance of missing some shots in a gunfight. It's our review of BloodRayne II: Deliverance!   Time stamps: 0:04:05 - Background 0:20:20 - Summary 0:28:00 - Notable Scenes 0:33:35 - The Good 0:39:20 - The Bad 1:03:25 - The Ugly

We all know from horror media that studying something too closely and too obsessively can kill you. So when a young student sets out to New England for firsthand sources on witchcraft, it probably isn't going to go well! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about inns and hotels, retreading plot points and plot holes, and...Julius Caesar? Throw another witch on the fire and join us for our review of The City of the Dead!    Time stamps: 0:03:20 - Background 0:18:30 - Summary 0:38:55 - Notable Scenes 0:44:25 - The Good 0:50:35 - The Bad 1:09:20 - The Ugly

Sherlock Holmes is the most-represented literary character in media, so it was elementary that one day we would watch a film with the deductive detective. This time Holmes has to unravel an assassination that he suspects was orchestrated by his villainous arch-rival, Moriarty.  Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about logic, different interpretations of beloved characters, and flacid flashbacks. It's our review of The Triumph of Sherlock Holmes!   Time stamps: 0:02:30 - Background 0:18:00 - Summary 0:27:30 - Notable Scenes 0:33:45 - The Good 0:40:30 - The Bad 0:54:50 - The Ugly

It's time for another family-friendly 90s martial arts movie, but this one is really something special. Three kids are gifted the power of the Dragon and have to fight their way through an impressively bad piece of cinema! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about zen-filmmaking, Edward Said, and why kids, in general, deserve better.. It's our review of Pocket Ninjas!   Time stamps: 0:03:30 - Background 0:15:45 - Summary 0:25:40 - Notable Scenes 0:33:25 - The Good 0:35:55 - The Bad 0:57:00 - The Ugly

It's time for a 1970s sci-fi feature that tackles racism, bodily autonomy, and the best way to crash 10+ police cars. A doctor tries to save his own life by having his head attached to another man's body. What could go wrong? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about Get Out, Blues Brothers, and why needlepoint is for everyone. It's our review of The Thing with Two Heads!   Time stamps: 0:05:55 - Background 0:30:35 - Summary 0:43:25 - Notable Scenes 0:50:45 - The Good 0:54:25 - The Bad 1:02:25 - The Ugly

We're reviewing a kids' movie that is making us rethink our entire childhoods! Evil dinosaurs, giant ships, siblings that become one person, what isn't there to love? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk children's media, Mass Effect, dinosaur species, and suitmation. It's our review of Attack of the Super Monsters!   Time stamps: 0:04:00 - Background 0:19:35 - Summary 0:30:05 - Notable Scenes 0:32:40 - The Good 0:35:30 - The Bad 0:45:00 - The Ugly

Some movies seek to answer timeless questions, such as "Can an invincible knight find true love during the Crusades?" If you think the answer is yes, then give a listen to Tom and Ryan as they review an Italian fantasy romance and discuss such relevant topics as: Renaissance literature, elaborate costuming, and what it means to be a "visual philosopher." It's our review of Hearts and Armor!   Time stamps: 0:02:55 - Background 0:24:10 - Summary 0:35:55 - Notable Scenes 0:45:00 - The Good 0:51:35 - The Bad 1:03:50 - The Ugly

2023 somehow felt like it lasted 2 weeks and 10 years at the same time. But how did the movies we watched affect this time paradox? Which movie moment felt like it took forever? Which character would we most like to erase from history? And where does "zen filmmaking" fit into all of this? Find out in the 2023 Schlocky Awards!   Time Stamps: 0:05:40 - Explanation, Film List, and Lifetime Achievement Award 0:10:35 - Worst Character 0:54:05 - Worst Moment or Line 1:32:20 - Worst Visual 1:59:10 - Best Moment 2:20:40 - The 10 Worst Films of the Year

Happy Holidays! It's time for another Christmas-themed crowd-pleaser from the Hallmark Channel. And this time the film is brand new for this year! Can a Christmas-loving community survive some new neighbors who are hyper-competitive about the most wonderful time of the year? And will our heroine receive the Christmas proposal she so desires? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about Lacey Chabert, character actors, and that most festive of activities: Nickelback jokes! It's our review of Haul Out the Holly: Lit Up!   Time stamps: 0:06:20 - Background 0:23:20 - Summary 0:32:30 - Notable Scenes 0:42:05 - The Good 0:54:50 - The Bad 1:07:50 - The Ugly

There's an absolute Earthsaster happening as the entire world gets sucked through a wormhole! Can this problem be solved, or are we headed for an Earthpocalypse? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about modern film effects, comparisons to Lost and Terminator 2, and bloviating IMDB biographies. It's our review of Earthtastrophe!   Time stamps: 0:05:45 - Background 0:23:15 - Summary 0:38:50 - Notable Scenes 0:47:30 - The Good 0:53:20 - The Bad 1:11:15 - The Ugly

There's an war going on right under our feet, and nobody but the top brass know about it! Why did we waste all our time going to space when we should have gone...beneath the Earth? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about racist depictions, running from a nuclear blast, and small-scale large-scale warfare. It's our review of Battle Beneath the Earth!   Time stamps: 0:04:25 - Background 0:16:50 - Summary 0:29:35 - Notable Scenes 0:38:20 - The Good 0:44:50 - The Bad 1:01:40 - The Ugly

If you're still in the mood for Spooky Season, we have yet another Peter Cushing British horror film to keep the creeps coming. This time Cushing and Christopher Lee are dueling over a skeleton that seems intent on coming back to life! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about twist endings, vaccinations against evil, and what makes a B-movie worth watching. It's our review of The Creeping Flesh!   Time stamps: 0:04:30 - Background 0:24:50 - Summary 0:42:15 - Notable Scenes 0:55:35 - The Good 1:06:50 - The Bad 1:16:30 - The Ugly

A light night of recording means we're feeling a little rambly and a little punchy as we talk about a comedy with an all-star cast and way too few laughs. Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about dry humor, punching down, and, of course, The Banana Boat Song. Hijinks ensure during our review of Chu Chu and the Philly Flash!   Time stamps: 0:04:10 - Background 0:42:50 - Summary 0:55:30 - Notable Scenes 1:02:45 - The Good 1:07:40 - The Bad 1:25:45 - The Ugly

A sleepy town with an even sleepier bog is rocked by a series of murders. Can a local trio of a doctor, a sheriff, and a pathologist find out what's causing these deaths? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about dog vs monster sounds, poorly ended scenes, and even more poorly timed romances. It's our review of Bog!   Time stamps: 0:04:45 - Background 0:25:15 - Summary 0:39:40 - Notable Scenes 0:46:35 - The Good 0:49:55 - The Bad 1:05:40 - The Ugly

There's a secret cabal with a dastardly plot inside the US government, and only Charlie Sheen can bring them to light. But will a toy helicopter foil his plans? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk bad scripts, under-utilizing Linda Hamilton, and poor attempts at cyber-security. It's our review of Shadow Conspiracy!   Time stamps: 0:05:35 - Background 0:30:20 - Summary 0:43:40 - Notable Scenes 0:52:10 - The Good 0:56:15 - The Bad 1:09:45 - The Ugly

A wicked woman is visiting from another planet, and she has destruction on her mind. But is this film about a Devil Girl actually a kitschy sci-fi romp, or is it something else entirely? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk one-room plays, the Twilight Zone, and love at first sight. It's our review of Devil Girl from Mars!   Time stamps: 0:05:40 - Background 0:25:30 - Summary 0:39:00 - Notable Scenes 0:45:40 - The Good 0:52:30 - The Bad 1:02:10 - The Ugly

They say the greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing people that he doesn't exist. We argue think his greatest trick is actually gargoyles! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about Milton, biker gangs, and the importance of preserving a mating pair of demons. It's our review of the 70's made-for-TV snoozer, Gargoyles!   Time stamps: 0:03:35 - Background 0:21:40 - Summary 0:37:00 - Notable Scenes 0:42:40 - The Good 0:47:25 - The Bad 0:54:10 - The Ugly

Murder! A shipping magnate is killed in cold blood, and only one detective can solve the crime. Step aside, Sherlock Holmes, because James Lee Wong is on the case! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about problematic portrayals, the science of infrared light, and whether or not this movie might actually be watchable. It's our review of Doomed to Die!   Time stamps: 0:03:45 - Background 0:18:50 - Summary 0:26:50 - Notable Scenes 0:34:00 - The Good 0:40:20 - The Bad 0:48:00 - The Ugly

Peter Cushing is back for more monster-horror adventures! This time a series of mysterious murders are being investigated in period England and Cushing has to figure out what's going on...wait, wasn't that the plot of the last Cushing movie we did? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about plot similarities, faux  Frankenstein, and if being TOO British can ruin a movie...? It's our review of The Blood Beast Terror!   Time stamps: 0:04:10 - Background 0:16:20 - Summary 0:29:05 - Notable Scenes 0:35:30 - The Good 0:38:25 - The Bad 0:56:05 - The Ugly

Summer's here and the time is right to be watching horse movies! For all you animal-lovers out there, we have a real treat with a film about a city girl going to the country to find meaning (and love along the way)! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about atrocious audio, dreary dialogue, and why horses are so important to horse movies. It's our review of Wildfire: The Arabian Heart!   Time Stamps: 0:04:55 - Background 0:14:15 - Summary 0:26:45 - Notable Scenes 0:39:20 - The Good 0:40:15 - The Bad 1:02:15 - The Ugly